how to hold a narcissist accountable how to hold a narcissist accountable

Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! Trying to be honest? I am assertive and have boundaries, yet none of the above techniques worked. I felt like I had every DSM diagnosis there is in the months immediately after his leaving, the other woman, and what seemed like torturous behavior (he turned really mean)! That way I dont react if he adversely reacts. and we had had a moment together. Your comment stuck with me. He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). The following are common areas clients struggle with regarding personal accountability: Stay in control of your emotions. 9. Whenever the narcissist feels threatened, they may use criticism and other forms of emotional abuse to undercut your sense of confidence. Dealing with a narcissist is dealing with a bully. I told him what I did and said it was better that way, that way we can avoid him being the middle man since I do all the banking anyways and it wouldnt cause a problem for him or us in the future with an argument over the ph cause of a misunderstanding and he got soooo mad telling me again how I dont know how hard some of his days are blah blah and thats when I said, I am NOT your punching bagyou wanna rag on someonerag on the person who first called you at a bad time NOT me. His sister is the same way and I feel for my brother in law. It took me quite some time catching up on reading all of the comments. When I downloaded the book I had hope. My next step is to purchase The Love Safety Net Workbook. This is why they move on so easily. Your or Steves suggestion would be so appreciated! If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. People do change but sometimes it takes blood, sweat, and tears. I appreciate your concern but I can put you at easy because one thing that you are not aware of is that I am not and never have been afraid of him physically. While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! Am I supposed to live a life of unhappiness till the kids graduate and pray he doesnt completely f*** them up in the mean time? Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). I tried to help someone that I thought I cared about every day for a year and in the end, I ended up trying to hold on to her to the point where she consciously decided she would blatantly lie to the police about any contact, even coincidental, which resulted in me being arrested for STALKING her even though my contacts with her consisted of 5 phone calls none of which consisted of anything but the question why? Say nothing let him think he right since he is gonna thinks he is right anyway. Others opinions of me do not matter or define who I am and what I am. He has admitted what he was doing and also admitted what he feels. He is like a King on a throne with many wives. According to him, I must have been lying to the government and immigration, and even in court called me a bitch. I have a beautiful daughter which is not his, but whom he has been in her life for more than half her life. 2. Have we had good times? Hi Julie, The response you mention is very common and this is why in the Love Safety Net Workbook we outline 4 areas with exercises that need to be worked on together. I got out. Why do we struggle with the concept of inalienable rights? Everything that came out of his mouth was horrible. Every crazy thing that has ever happened in our relationship that I could never understand was outlined in the characteristics and traits of a person with NPD. Thank GOD I didnt marry himhe had said he would probably never marry me anywayand more and more, Ive discovered that he did me a huge favor that way. When I said your kids learn this bad behavior either to be a codependant or narcissist I see my own children my daughter being unable to keep boundaries and stand up for herself and what she wont accept. He has drained it! His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. Do Narcissists Like To Be Held Accountable? July 16, 2020. I understand now why I kept drawing emotional leaches or vampires. You like to be sick. Da, I could have written your story You are me. I can now have an evening in and not feel insecure because Im learning who I am and strangely with his silencing since our last split Ive realised I need to find me. Like emotional teenagers, narcissists enjoy attention. He denies that he has a problem. If you are in the U.S., you can call 211 for a list of numbers for help. To hold yourself accountable, you may choose to tell a trusted friend about ending the relationship or do something too "final" to backtrack too easily on (such as signing the lease on a new apartment far away from the narcissist or blocking them on all social media channels - any step that reminds you of how far you've come and will . Insane. He got arrested for teen porn on his computer. I had broken up with my ex (daughters father) 3 years ago in London. If you respect yourself enough to stand up for your own interests this will earn others respect too. I do not claim to be without my own issues. The good thing I am glad he finally is looking old so the women will possibly be out of our lives. Most of these people around him had low self esteem and really did not want to be exposed for there own fears. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. Here's why a narcissist may cry when someone dies: Attention - to shift the spotlight of the whole event onto them and claim as much of the focus as possible. He does have a unique bond with children in that they adore him, and I wonder if there are other partners of narcissist that have witnessed similiar bonds with children? Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. How many more years do I give to a man that proves over and over that hes not going to change? And it went too far once, already, he has had an affair. Thanks again for being so personal! But really, I am just angry and hurt. That might not sound like much to some people for us we were lucky to go 5 days without something happening. He is 40 years old and although we are living separately, my choice, he wishes for us to move to Australia together. It will teach you step by step how to stop him turning this around on you. They use name-calling, making fun of people, putting others down, judging. Narcissists can be great at making fictional plans for the future, and never following through on their promises. I simply say thank you for the suggestion,but I got this. So conclusion I dont think its wise to ask them would they feel more comfortable getting help from somebody else to help with the situation as they see this as a threat and if they are truly narcissistic they dont think they need help with anything. You also need to let him know that if he damages anything of yours again you will go straight to the police. Furthermore, none of the three quotes you suggested would actually /work/. I have come out of the fog, realizing how much I have been lied to & manipulatedI had feel under is spell and had the gas lighting tactic used on meand I am wanting him to be held accountable for all the things he has broken of mineat the times he has acted out destroying my personal property. Weve been together 7 years. And me in my unrequited love stage and I am married to someone else.Long story and my wife knows about our relationship. Thank you again for your courageous letter. Still havent done anything legal Im nearly positive he never will (but oh, I was already wrong once! I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. I find the advise you offer well intentioned but in my situation my relationship is over. He always managed to pull me back. Most of our issues now revolve around money. 23.9K subscribers Subscribe 10 Share 80 views 1. Yesterday, I wanted to give up. I dont want to lose him. how do I get over the pride and resentment I have? Neg hitting, a compliment followed by a slight insult, is one of his favourites. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! Thanks for writing LeAnne and I am glad you are doing well and moving on with your life I am sure the future has good things in store (-: My husband has NPD. This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? The lack of sleep weakens me and the ups/downs instability , paranoid state he was in with aderall I was miserable I could take him it was a life not worth living. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. He wont make her happy she will be sad feel unloved and insecure with such a guy. We are now over a year on and to this day I still love him but not the same way. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. You cannot control his family if he is assualting you you need help from the police and Back From the Looking Glass will help you with that step by step. ThaNK YOU. I felt sorry for her. Hi Lisa, Hang in there! He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. This has been my experience of Narcissists. Once you obtain that, the cloud hoovering overhead will become smaller and smaller the sense of freedom and relief will ease and bring peace to your heart, mind, soul, and with Kim & Steves teachings overcoming our own gap work will ease putting strong boundaries in place. I would not stay next time he is cheating. We keep educating ourselves to belong to something, to excel, to achieve, to alienate all those in our own selfish path. It amazes me at how his brain works and like to think of it as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect to each other. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. Narcissists have a very low tolerance for anyone questioning or debating them. So hard to get out of my marriage for many reasons. Hi Carol Welcome! Forget any type of petty revenge you may be plotting; malignant narcissists see all of your emotional responses to them (whether positive or negative) as attention, and they live for that shit. Everything is my fault. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. The consequences of his actions in this situation are hard to tell. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. Please! Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. The reason i fall for these men? Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). I also defended him from everyone that tried to push him to get back to work. I categorize the severity of it by saying what percent of the time he is like this. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. I have been working on our attachment and his security to me before I say anything. a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. I will pray for you! She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. I am sure you did all you could and I am sorry that you feel so angry and disappointed I hope that understanding and time brings you healing. Only through Gods grace can I continually forgive him over and over. How Do You Hold A Narcissist Accountable? Or there may be situations where there is nothing to say you simply need to stop protecting them. He is now getting these fixes by yet another activity. Acter admitting this fi me durung an alcohil binge,he latdr denied. Him. Do I just let go of this since it is the past? I immediately hated who I was becoming, he was trying to get me from being a mum to being dependent again (this was good!) So developmentally I have to bring the cookie jar down and allow him to explore the answer. He never leaves them unattended and puts so much pressure on them not to want to see me. Its not fair to her. They strike back hard to try to save their own self or credibility. I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. He owes me money and keeps asking for more. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. Sigh:). They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean and exhibit unjust, aggressive and abusive behaviour that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse and totally inhuman. Is there anything I can do at this point to help the situation? You didnt tell me about the damage until I saw it one day and when I asked you about it, you told me that you were going to tell me about it after you fixed it. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. When he calls me names I tell him I am sorry he feels that way because I think (something nice) about him and it takes the wind out of his sails. Kim, do you think your husband had to do something similar when he learned how to be more accountable? This can be a sudden outburst of anger or passive aggression. Then a few months later I found out from you ex-wife that you slept with her several times during the time you spent with her and your kids. I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. I met my friend over 30 years ago. I am done beating my head into a wall. Thank you Kim, reading your stuff has helped me so much to become a stronger person. How does sex work in these relationships? But i didnt immediately saw that it were fantasy. I ignored all of his suggestions, found a fab clinic to provide all my treatments in, perfect location and great clients to gain Before that happened we split up after him not handling our discussion about his controlling ability. He also said we dont have kids, theres no reason to stay together. He hides these lovely attributes in certain company people he wants to impress and/or people he craves admiration from. The 2nd counselor I went to by myself(after the couples attempt, where he wanted to be friends) told me he was likely a narcissist. Trust will start being built when your partner begins to see that you are capable of protecting your own interests and that you are not scared of doing what you need to do to stand up for yourself calmly and with deliberation without abandoning them or using emotional manipulation to try and get your way. Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. . He says they are not having sex. The following is a summary of NPD from the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders) used by clinicians to diagnose and treat individuals with mental illness. I found out after many years that my father had these traits, and I dated several men over the years very much like him. I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. When bubs doesnt sleep and I get a little touchy when he wakes, he go he goes back to bed, I later discover hes gone home and I cop the blame for making him feel unwelcome! My phone broken, the destruction on my car, my stolen pics, do I just have to let go. I hope that you can turn this marriage around like you did your last! Narcissism is very hard to diagnose - even by experts. It appears they are in total denial of their behaviour. His favorite statement is, No one listens to me. I didnt realize how much the years of her abuse and alcoholism has impacted my ability to be successful in my work and just being a healthy person. So, I finally left him in December. Narcissists may easily cross boundaries. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts.