dirty golf quotes dirty golf quotes

The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Drops him off at the golf course! How about you bring two of your friends and we play a foursome? Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, Of course. To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. Why don't golfers in England work in the afternoon? Go back in time and start playing at a younger age. 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. Who do golfers pay tribute to on the 4th of July? Jack Benny. What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't: 10. I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. "The value of routine; trusting your swing." - Lorii Myers. The mark of a great player is in his ability to come back. 5. The little ball that sat motionless, defying you to hit it. Your email address will not be published. Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. Sawdust City LLC. Please add a link to this article. Ben Hogan, Golf has some drawbacks. Instead, here's a great clip of Chi Chi talking about ladies he sees golfing. When hes not on the green, you can find him wishing that he was Fortunately hes happy tojust chat about it here until the next time. Gone golfin' be back dark thirty. So, I'm on the first tee with him. Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard. You may have heard these renowned quotes about funny golf before. ), 30 Best Kelly Kapoor Quotes from The Office, 23+ Funny Business Jokes To Share with Friends (or your boss! The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them. 3. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.". Because you coming back to my hotel is the only fair way for this evening to go. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. 6. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major? 1. After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Jim is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Karen. Ive played the game for 50 years and I still havent the slightest idea of how to play. Gary Player, 39. Michael Connelly, The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. They have been there where we are standing now. Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! 3 / 10. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, Its golf balls., The blond looked at him compassionately and said: Oh you poor thing. Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work. Jack Nicklaus, 3. Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. Id cry too if I played golf like you. What are a golfers favorite flowers? Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. What did the golfer say after performing yoga? Henry Beard, Like clubs inside my golf bag / each verse a different face / Some to drive straight down the course / others lift and then embrace. Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot. Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? 9. Because it would interrupt their tea time. What does a golfer do on his day off? - Mickey Mantle. How Long Does It Take to Play 18 Holes of Golf? He looked at his caddie and said, Ive played so badly all day, I think Im going to drown myself in that lake., The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, Im not sure you could keep your head down that long.. Happiness is a long walk with a putter Greg Norman, 38. "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.". Apparently, you cant get out of here with a seven. Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? I love silly, funny, nerdy, quirky jokes. The true funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never put to paper and aren't spoken by golfers or celebrities. If you dont take it seriously, its no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. All he knows how to play with is Clubs! The next minute youre painting the Mona Lisa.. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. Its to move on. I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club? Golf is such an individual game, and no two people swing alike. Kathy Whitworth, 14. They have a hard drive. A fan in the crowd said Mr. I'm a bit tired so how about we just play your backside tonight? Could you in the moment quiet your thoughts and execute? Golf is a puzzle without an answer. Don Adams, Theres an old saying in golf that when the wind blows the men are separated from the boys. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. Leslie Nielsen, Mini-golf is a lot like life. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?" I have 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!. Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. There are no absolutes in golf. And maybe that same element inspires the poets, writers and artists to pay homage to golfor at least lament its cruelty. A golf ball can be driven 300 yards. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. The famed author of Centaur, John Updike wrote about the gentleman's game with some regularity. Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. Two, be your own person. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. Ben Hogan. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." To find a man's true character, play golf with him. I stepped on a rake. 3. Drop some in the comments! Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. I'm known on the tour for having a lengthy club. Paul Harvey, While playing golf today I hit two good balls. Nay! Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. -- Lee Trevino "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. What do you call a lion playing golf? There are no time constraints, as there are in other sports. She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. Why did the golfer have to change his socks? One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. These quotes and images about funny golf are the truest, wisest, and most positive ones to be found on the web. It can be difficult. Youngman is credited with inventing the "Take my wifeplease" trope. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing you're a bad golfer. I know what to look for. These funny golf quotes and images coming from famous wise people are the most precious words worth sharing. Your butt reminds me of St Andrews.. Hard and Firm. What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. Choose SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? Dirty jokes tend to be of sexual nature, make use of coarse language and can be offensive. Features: Size: 9x12 inches Made from solid knotty Full Text: Keep Calm and Go For A Run Features: Size: 9x12 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Beware Of Owner ~ The Dog Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional shelf-sitting. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. How would you like to do something I won't do for anyone on the PGA tour? Wash your balls. Boo who? Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. 21. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I'd like to put my wood in it? "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". The end. I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team., To which the Mormon replies, You fellas aint got a clue. Days when you just dont have it, you dont pack it in, you give it everything youve got. That's why I'm hoping you, Bleacher Report readers, will add some of your own content in the comments. What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? A two-foot putt on the practice green doesnt spark many doubts. How the heck did that happen? The threesome were curious what was going on. After 18 holes I can barely walk. Golf is the easiest game in the world. Joe Torre, It is not possible to play golf consistently well without sound mental skills. Features: Size: 7x18 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Some of the best cowboys aren't boys Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Flat edges for shelf-sitting Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. Discover and share Dirty Quotes For Women Golfers. Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. It's not the size of your putter that counts, its how many strokes you take. Joe Posnanski, Over the years, Ive studied the habits of golfers. The lowest score wins. That round was so poor, I think Im going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself, I honestly doubt that. "I'll kiss you on the rain so you get twice as wet". For more great quotes on life, golf and from books and authors, check out this site and this site. Damn, my shaft's all bent. 2. That I am sure of will make your day full of joy! Whats a golfers favorite nightlife activity? Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. Golf is very much like a love affair. when we were married," said the pouting wife. Their fore-fathers! Because he thought every day he needed to play around. You've got the nicest boobs I've seen outside a PGA Tour locker room. The most redundant thing on a golf course is a ball-washer on a hole with water hazards. Lee Trevino. I play Bass. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance." Lansky's quote is funny because, well, as golfers we're all a little bit masochistic. Colleen Ferrary Bader, Behold, my child, this touching scene, the golfer on the golfing-green / Pray mark his legs uncanny swing / The golf-walk is a gruesome thing! One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? Try choking donw on the shaft. If we . Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. The right place is right here with me, in my bed. But there is a difference between playing well and hitting the ball well. Fantastic 4-some. Golfs three ugliest words: Still your shot. Dave Marr, 36. If the point of golf is to hit the ball less, then do I win if I don't play at all? Moe Norman, ALL of us play our very best game / Any other time / Golf or billiards, its all the same / Any other time / Lose a match and you always say, Just my luck! "The most important shot in golf is the next one." - Ben Hogan "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald R. Ford "The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie." - Mickey Mantle "To find a man's true character, play golf with him." - P.G. Golfing is a lot like masturbation. The 18 Best Golf Movies You Need To Watch In 2023, Top 14 Golf Podcasts You Should Listen To (Updated 2023), 7 Left Handed Golf Tips To Crush The Competition, 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation, Practicing Golf At Home: 10 Tricks To Improve Your Game. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. He was perfecting his swing. Ben Hogan, Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter! He went up to her, talked to her, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. Whos there? Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. fodrizzle. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Instead of worrying about making a fool of yourself in front of a crowd of 4 or 40,000, forget about how your swing may look and concentrate instead on where you want the ball to go. You can enjoy both of them even if youre terrible at it! Dont even putt. Dean Martin, need we say more? 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! I'm a bit tired, so can we just play your backside tonight? Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I'd like to see you on a T? How you handle failure determines how successful you will be. Muffet McGraw, 26. Golf is like doing your taxes. Because they might get a slice. Steve Bann, It is surely quite superfluous to mention / To a person who has been here half an hour / That Golf is what engrosses the attention / Of the people, with an all-absorbing power. G.K. Chesterton, I dont like to watch golf on television because I cant stand people who whisper. I prayed that I would react well if I missed. Chi Chi Rodriguez, 44. Thats incredible. A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? Whats the best quality in a golf partner? Because I'm going to come after you aggressively and probably leave a ball mark. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Many golfing terms sound naughty. Besides that, I love to explore. For true success, it matters what our goals are. His playing partner: Wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed., Man: Well, I was married to her for 30 years.. 23+ Revolutionary Sayings From Corrie Ten Boom | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, 52+ Knowledgeable Sayings On Cosmetologist | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, 43+ Motivating Sayings On Hungry | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, TOP 50 Inspirational Golf Quotes & Sayings | Download Images, 58+ Funny Tennis Quotes | Free Images & Pictures Download, TOP 50 Funny Sports Quotes | HD Images & Pictures Download. Joey Adams, A well-hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands, and into your heart. Fore! The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if youre not good at them. Roy Tin Cup McAvoy, the greatest that never was. Oh my God, what have I just said?". Bring some friends, and we can play a foursome. How about grabbing two of your friends so we can play a foursome? William Topaz McGonagall, Golf epitomizes the tame world. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. Therefore weve combined it together and compiled these hilarious Golf Jokes for Seniors that Im sure youll like. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance.". "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.". The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. On the Green In Two. Golf tips are like Aspirin: One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle youll be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick, 17. Youre too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league. Brent Musberger, If you break 100, watch your golf. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 2. Tahiti who? No defenders, no game clock, no excuses. Damn, girl. 47 Hilarious Quotes About Driving. Jeff Foxworthy, In order to develop a golf swing, your thoughts must run in the right direction. No matter how badly you play, always remember its possible to play even worse. About 160 yards was his reply. They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Ray Floyd, 41. Please add a link to this site. -Bob Hope I`m really worried about myself. Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. Robert Fuller Murray, Golf is a fascinating game. Roarin' Mcllroy And three, have a passion for what youre doing. Juli Inkster, 28. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. Ahole in oneis amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. Well have whatever Mac OGrady is smoking. In your approach to golf, no one can tell you what to do. "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Gerald Ford, If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. Whats one tip all golfers should follow to improve their game? Hit the ball. 7. With the exception of the putter and the driver remember that you hit down on every other shot in golf. You "Putt" Me In A Great Mood. Full Text: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? You must remember not to remember to think. Ben Hogan, To find a mans true character, play golf with him. Theres enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game youre supposed to enjoy. Amy Alcott, 15. Relate what your buddy said after a five-putt, the joke your grandfather made about the ballwasher or your golf junkie pal's philosophy about the parallel between golf and life. As he approached the threesome, he said Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Lorii Myers, Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. Is everything okay?. And it matters how we go about attaining them. Ana Claudia Antunes, If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Wodehouse, 31. I never prayed that I would make a putt. Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.