my husband defends his sister over me my husband defends his sister over me

Heres an edited transcript of this weeks chat. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. Kind of a shoot the messanger thing. WebOriginally Answered: My husband listens to his sisters alot and what they say goes for me and our marriage. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs Or a neighbor whos too Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Q. In the few hours Im there, they insult her looks, her cooking, and her intelligence. Nevertheless, he wakes up, at a minimum of one night a week, screaming, thrashing, and terrified. Thank you! While theres nothing sexual in their messages, and he assures me they are only friends, I have repeatedly expressed my displeasure and discomfort about the situation. That will be Tuesday, Jan. 18, since were off on Monday. These arguments have caused us to have days to where we hardly speak, days where I don't want to even talk to him because he is just pissy because he's holding a grudge. I think nice conversation and a hug would be sufficient not multiple hugs and kisses and numerous I love you's within a few minutes. Right now your position is: End the texting or Ill leave. Q: Sister-in-Law Furious About When I Revealed My Pregnancy: My husbands sister thrives on being a passive-aggressive, attention-hogging know-it-all. I told him he was right and that there is no issue at all and I walked out. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I really dont like it when you order for me or pressure me. Mine knows not to cross the line with my family either. Emily Yoffe. My friend and her sister have decided that what their dad needs is a puppy, so he has a purpose to his day and a reason to get out of the house for walks and dog training classes, and theyve decided to gift him a puppy as a surprise. A: Ive said before that I dont think a man confesses his infidelity to his wifes sister because he really wants it to remain a secret. Help! Thanks, everyone! Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. Its as if he has PTSD. Lets face it, usually the bride/mother is the driver behind these events, so as a mother of sons, you want to preserve your relationship with your offspring and their wives. It surely sounds as if he has some kind of sleep disorder and likely its treatable. It has become so bad that I spend all night staying up thinking about if we can afford things even though I know I can. I dont want to be an object of pity. Thanks for signing up! She is always around, he tells her all their business, and on their date night he invited his sister to come along. Or should I demand he focus on our marriage? Similarly, theyre so wrapped up in anger and self-righteousness that they lack curiosity about themselves. Or is he trying to get back at you for feeling like you don't care for his parents (not saying you don't care for them but he may perceive it that way)? I have kept this secret for more than 20 years. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. But you do not need their permission for baby-making. The issue isn't about the ex, that was an example of what happened recently. And its the actual problem that needs addressing. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. So, on top of everything, hes also grieving for a baby which may or may not have been his. However, if Is there a happy medium? Because of this reason it bothers me when my husband's mother continues to be EXTREMELY friendly with my husbands ex wife, knowing she has poisoned his daughter's mind and has said so many negative things and lies about my husband. Brides sorry if it doesn't. It may be that the teenagers dont want to hear this message now. defends Knowing this was the cause of our argument yesterday (just prior to my typing my initial email). Over the years, I have learned a lot and maybe it will help you. Have you ever asked in a way that is 'just talking'? I don't even care if they were friends. We explore your options. Q. Is it time to out myself as a recovering alcoholic, or is there some other way to get him to stop? This is a reality in many homes in India and wives are expected to entertain relatives because the husband is choosing his family over his wife. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. In addition, I hope he is independently wealthy, or has fantastically in-demand professional skills, because quitting his job over her death indicates hes gone off the deep end. David M. Benett. He is naturally protective My husband never stands up for me. Many men that she didn't want to be one of the ex's casualties???? WebMy (20F) boyfriend (21M) and I cant seem to agree on our boundaries with female friends. Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? He is a disgusting human being. Anything else is just tolerating (and therefore enabling) his racism. Goodluck and hang in there! It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. What may have started off as privacytexts between friendshas now moved into secrecy, not necessarily because hes doing anything wrong, but because of something going on between the two of you. When Your Partner Takes Your MIL's Side | Alpha Mom Should I let this happen? You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. They have nothing to do with your marriage, because they are not in the marriage and you did not get married to them. Husband Lets His Family Disrespect Me (4 Things To Do If I even express how I don't understand how his mom can be so friendly with his ex-wife he gets mad at me. That's awesome. The oldest is married with a young child and my youngest is engaged. But not choose her publicly. If you are being asked to be an understanding source of solace while he mourns the loss of his mistress, a woman who was possibly the mother of his child, then that is an emotional burden thats simply outside the bounds of what one spouse can ask of another. This brings me to your comment about if I have considered that maybe my MIL doesn't want problems, of course I have considered it and that is why I said I don't expect her to be rude or mean. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. You know best. A: Oh, goodness, this is way too close to the baby-making party! A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services. Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page. Of course there are consequences to peoples behavior, but there are also consequences to creating an environment where it cant come to light. First he needs to check in with his internist and explain whats going on. Q. my husband defends his mother despite it My husband and I both agree that the wedding is actually about the parents of the groom and bride, and not the actual couple getting married. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You I don't understand it and I've had it!! Even when she has said things that could be considered rude, I have just held my tongue. That gives him the space to work on those issues. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. My sister But ultimately, the decision is yours and anyone who needs a complete explanation to respect your wishes is not a good friend. To everyone - Londers,Brice,Tinnkker and especially you Specialmom, thanks for your advice. Should I Use It. Send questions for publication here. She tells him mom is 1st then your wife. My This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. You have to accept that the days of the DIY wedding are gone. My mother and I arent close so I didnt give in to what she wanted; however, I wanted to make my mother-in-law happy so we caved to whatever she wanted. Maybe I shouldn't even say that. I have also repeatedly asked for this behavior to stop. He says shes dead, so theres no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. Its true that people who foot the bill can make demands. Id say you should express concern not just for the animal (which is the obvious issue) but also about how traumatizing it will be for him if the dog is too much to handle, wont let him rest, or has to be rehomed if it doesnt work out. So I think you should tell him to move out while you each figure out what you want out of your marriage and life. You are welcome dear. Good for you for seeing that bonding time with Dad was part of playing out a pattern destructive to everyone. You just graciously celebrate while inwardly cringing. ", "Very reliable company and very fast. Anyway, a few minutes later he came into our room and I just said here look and handed him my computer. Should I tell my sister why I hate her husband, and more advice Send me updates about Slate special offers. I called him a mamas boy. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. I found out about the affair only two days after her funeral. My Partner Doesnt Defend Me. What Now? - Bustle They also felt that I was When Your Husband Defends Another Woman - 6 Things To Do I know this because she has made comments to my husband like that in the past. I asked him to visit a marriage therapist together and he said hes not ready to work on our marriage, and thinks he needs to see a grief therapist instead. Given the husbands contribution, it also sounds as if a malicious family dynamic is at play here: Martyr mom does everything for us, and in exchange she earns our contempt. Insecure and monogamous: Im in love with my boyfriend. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? I think, since were technically living with my parents, we should ask for their blessing before we start trying. Not being racistor keeping those thoughts in your headis not a lot to ask. We are experiencing a birth dearth in this country because so many people of childbearing age are in your situation. "Highly skilled sheet metal fabricators with all the correct machinery to fabricate just about anything you need. I always politely decline, but Id really like it if he stopped. I don't know what I can add that will be of help Three things come to mind after reading your post: Didn't find the answer you were looking for? The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Went as far as to say he doesn't remember anything I'm talking about. Talk to you next time. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. He has even argued with me and threatened to leave me over a disagreement about his sister! We had to buy a new couch to replace our old college dorm room couch and we spent over a month talking about it weighing the pros and cons. A husband who, in a situation of conflict, sides against his wife may be hiding deep-seated resentment toward her. I'm guessing he just wanted to avoid the topic all together and was hoping it would just go away??? While its not an ideal situation, (theres no kitchen or shower, so we have to share theirs), we get along pretty well for the most part. If you start this conversation, I assume once your parents understand exactly what youre asking, theyd run screaming from the room. If kowtowing to the sister is the primary family dynamic, then you two need to stop bowing and start standing up for yourselves. Theres only one issue: Hes poly and Im not. As for the issue with his sister, he and I got in an arguement over his sister because I told him something she did that he needed to know because it affected other family members and in order for nothing to get out of hand he had to know. My boyfriend invited his ex-wife over for dinner. Knowing youre making good decisions should keep you flush and rested. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. My fiancs father has been a lifelong racist, though his family does not embrace those views. You say that youre in marriage counseling for other issues, so I wonder about your husbands relationship with his colleague not so much in terms of betrayalas you dobut in terms of what it reveals about the dynamics in your marriage. Break up for now, before your dissatisfaction with this arrangement causes a huge conflict, and tell yourself that if its meant to be, you can always get back together in the future. But in dealing with his sister, everyone else is always in the wrong, and in this case you have nothing to be sorry for. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you.